Being Me

I am who I am. I am 36 years old. I had my kids young. Some would say too young, but honestly, I don’t agree. I was ready to be a mom. It was who I was meant to be. Without my kids, I dont know who I am anymore. As cliche as it sounds, they complete me. They are my everything. I live for them. Without them, I don’t know what I am doing with my life. Maybe it isn’t such a good thing that so much of me is because of them. I don’t know. All I know is I would do anything for them. Which has taken me down the wrong path at times. Which has brought me to where I am now.

I’ve been told I am too nice. That I don’t act like a mom, I act like a friend. I will admit that on occasion, this is true. In the past, I have given in to my kids. Most of the time, it is things that are of no consequence, but I will admit that I have made some wrong choices when it comes to my kids. I made a very bad decision and it cost me my visitation with my older 3 kids. This is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Because I wanted to make them happy, I bought my daughter a vape. I know that was wrong. I can’t justify why I did it. I know I should’t have. If I could go back and undo it, I would. Because of this decision, I lost visitations. My ex hired a lawyer and filed to have my visits supervised by a professional supervisor. The problem is, I can’t afford to pay someone to supervise, therefore I haven’t seen my older 3 kids since April of last year. I feel lost. I’m going day by day, feeling as though something is missing from me. The only times I feel right are when I have my younger 2 kids with me.

I’m sure that whoever is reading this is thinking that I’m not a good mom for having done what I did. Maybe you are right. Maybe I deserve this. All I know is I would give anything to go back and change that. I should have told her no. I should have stood my ground. And no, I am not blaming her for this. Yes, she asked me for the vape, but I am the adult. I should have said no. Now, I have to live with this decision. I have to miss out on my kids growing up. I know they are already almost grown, but I don’t want to miss out on any time with them.

My next step is to get some money saved up so I can get a supervisor and see my kids. I am hoping to accomplish this soon. My oldest, Mackenzie, is almost 18. So she will be able to decide if she wants to see me, but Hailey and Theodore still have a few years. I can’t miss out on years. I’ve already missed almost a whole year as it is. I don’t want to miss anymore.

It will be ok…

From the moment I open my eyes in the morning, I dread the day. No particular reason. (Except depression.) I swing my feet over the side and sit up. It will be ok. That’s what I tell myself. You’ve made it through all the days before this. Why should this one be different? It will be ok.

I get up, use the bathroom, wander to my closet and contemplate what I will wear. Hmm…. If I wear a tank top, I’ll be cold, but I could wear a cardigan over top. Hmm…. Maybe I should wear a dress. I could still wear a cardigan over top. Ooor, I could wear a long sleeve under it. Decisions, decisions. Breathe, it’s not a big deal. It will be ok.

I head to work. Unlock and go inside. It’s so dark and quiet in here. Sigh. I turn on the lights, get the till ready, turn on the music, turn on the open sign and unlock the doors. Should I open the outside doors? 🤔 The owner likes them open, but it is windy and rainy. Maybe I shouldn’t open them. What if he shows up? Should I open them just in case? Hmm… I leave them closed… It will be ok.

My work day ends. I head to my car and try not to fly away with the wind. Though, honestly, I wonder where the wind would take me. I climb into my car and sigh. Time to go home. I pull into my parking spot and see mail sticking out of my mailbox. I get out and grab the mail. It’s wet from all the rain. Good thing it’s just bills and junk mail. I walk up the steps and into my little apartment. I’m greeted by boyfriend kisses and meows from the cats. They want cuddles. I have more to do though. Sigh. It will be ok.

I fill the cat food and water. I empty the litter box, wash my hands and stare at the food in the cupboard. What should I make for dinner? Do I want something quick or something I can stick in the oven and leave? Hmm…too many choices. Chili? Macaroni and Cheese? Lasagna? Just breathe. It will be ok.

All these things seem like simple, everyday things. The choices should be easy. Some days they are. Some days I struggle. This is life. Take it all day by day. Just breathe and remind yourself, it will be ok.

Protected: Get it right.

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Why me?

This question keeps running around in my mind. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why do horrible parents get to keep their children and mine have to be snatched away from me? Did I do something wrong? Is this all my fault? Should I have done something differently? There are so many questions and not nearly as many answers. The sad thing is, I know I am not the only parent out there dealing with the struggles of losing their children. Yet, in my mind, it feels like no one could possibly know what I am feeling. How could anyone know the pain that is in my heart right now? The empty feeling in my chest? The feeling like any moment I will breakdown and there will be no coming back from it?
Here’s a little back story. My ex and I separated after 3 years of marriage. I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child after we parted ways. For years, he didn’t call, rarely saw them when he visited and didn’t start taking them overnight until my 3rd child was 2.5 years old. It didn’t even become a regular thing until almost 2 years after that. Then all of a sudden, he wants to follow the parenting plan. He wants the kids more. The next thing I know, I’m being taken to court. He is trying to take them from me. He loses the first time around. He wins the second. And the part that kills me the most is that he only won because my son has behavior issues at school. The judge felt that dad should get a shot at trying to straighten him out at his house and she doesn’t separating siblings. So I lost all 3 of them. Now I have to go from having them with me and seeing them every day, to only 2 weekends a month.
Now I get to listen to people telling me to fight and go back to court. No one seems to understand that unless something goes horribly wrong, that isn’t an option right now. Unless my son shows the same behavior up there that he was showing here or there is another legitimate reason to move the kids, I can’t do anything. I get people are trying to be helpful and supportive, but all it does it makes me feel even worse. All it does is makes the hole in my heart burn and ache even more for my children. I am in a near constant state of anxiety. I’m not sure there is any real way to get me out of it either.
So here I am. Asking myself the same question. Over and over again. Why me? Why…..me?

Hmm….

   What should I write? So many things I could say. Though I know not many actually read what I write. In that case, I guess it doesn’t really matter what I say. No one will see it anyway. Here goes…..
    Am I a good mother? Are my children better off without me? Well, let me ask a few more questions. Ones I have the answers to. Are they happy? Yes. Are they healthy? Yes. Do they enjoy being around me? Yes. Are they afraid of me? No. Are they excelling in school by being with me? Yes. Are they smart? Yes. With that being said, I guess I am a good mother. So why are other convinced I am doing such a horrible job? All because I made one wrong decision that I thought was ok. Because I want my children to be able to excel in every aspect of their lives? If that makes me a bad mother than I think most mom’s would be considered bad.
     It’s so frustrating when you try so hard, but all people see is the few bad things. They don’t see you stay up all night with a sick child or see you clean up puke or change all these diapers. They only see bad. They don’t see you cuddle your 5 year old cause she got hurt or hug your 8 year old close because someone hurt her feelings. Or protect your 10 year old from bees, even though you know there aren’t any nearby. No, they only see the bad.
    I love my children. All 5 of them. Plus my 3 step daughters. They ALL mean the world to me and for someone to say otherwise, not only hurts, but makes me mad too. I would do anything for these children. Give them my food, if they were hungry. My sweater if they are cold. I’d do anything for them. Because they are my babies. AND I will fight as hard as I have to, in order to keep them.

Failure.

I don’t like change. I don’t like to try new things. Wanna know why? Because I might fail. I haven’t done my GED, because I might fail. Every time I started to get it, I quit because it was too hard. I’m not sure why I am this way. It’s just how I am.

Yesterday, I decided to do something that I’m afraid I will fail at. I’m going to become a distributor for It Works! I started using their products several months ago and became hooked. They have body wraps, vitamins, face cleansers, and lots of other things. I have had good experiences with their products, so I want to be able to share that with others.

(This is my results from their products.)
I am still very afraid that I will fail. I am lucky to have a very helpful and sweet woman who is going to help me with this. I can use all the good luck vibes I can get.
Anyone else quit because they think they will fail?

Charlotte Grace.

It just occurred to me that I didn’t write about Charlotte on her birthday. So here goes….

I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant, but God knew I needed this little girl in my life. My boyfriend and I had known each other for years, but had only been dating about a month or so. My period was late and I was feeling nauseous. I had a gut instinct telling me I was pregnant. We went to the store and bought a test. Sure enough, I was pregnant.

(Ignore the dirty bathroom mirror.)

This pregnancy was different. I had actual morning sickness for several weeks.Then I started feeling better and discovered I couldn’t take pills. If I did, I would throw up. I also couldn’t watch anyone take pills, it would make me throw up. Or even thinking about taking pills would make me throw up. It was tough, but definitely worth it.

I was scheduled for a c-section at 8am on April 9, 2010. By 8:09 I had my beautiful baby girl. Now she is a beautiful little 5 year old. Time sure has flown by. Charlotte Grace, I love you to thee moon and back!

Feeling like a failure.

I feel like a failure. Maybe I am. I fail at being a wife. I fail at being a mother. I fail at life.

I’ve done things in my life that I am not proud of. Some of them are so dumb that I don’t know why I did it. I wish I could say that was all when i was younger, but I continue to do dumb things as I get older. Things that hurt the ones I love. When asked why I do these things, all I can say is I don’t know. Because I honestly don’t know. I have no idea why I would do something so dumb that it could cost me my happiness.
I am not a tidy person. I have stated that in a prior post. I pile junk everywhere. Lately, I thought I was doing good. Getting more organized and *gasp* throwing things away. But it seems no matter what I clean or what I organize, there is always something else that isn’t done. Which upsets and frustrates me. Why should I do all this work to clean when it gets messed up 2 seconds later?    My oldest son was just suspended from riding the bus because he hit another child. After talking to the principal, I find out he is obnoxious on the bus to others  Hitting and name calling. My son is a bully. Is this my fault? Is there something I could have done? It must be my fault. I’m his parent. The one raising him. The one who should teach him right from wrong. I have failed him.
I can’t help feeling this way. Everything adds up. I am a failure. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Santa and such.

Growing up, I always knew my presents were from my parents or grandparents. I never thought that some jolly fat man in a red suit brought them to me. My parents didn’t want us to believe in all these fictional people. Such as Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy. Not because they wanted to destroy my childhood, but because they didn’t want us to grow up and think that maybe they lied about God as well.
    I don’t feel as though I missed out on anything by not believing in those things. I also don’t feel as though my children are missing out either. They know that I buy their presents, not Santa. If they lose teeth, I give them money, not the Tooth Fairy. I hide the eggs, not The Easter Bunny. Is there something wrong with this way of life? How long do you let your child believe in something that isn’t real? How do you handle it when they find out? There are so many things that just make it even clearer to me, that this is the right thing. Maybe not for you or your family, but it is for mine. I wouldn’t jugde you for having your child(ren) believe in Santa and such. So don’t judge me for not having mine believe.

Morning person.

Why does morning have to come so early? I swear, I just closed my eyes for 5 minutes and the next things I know, my alarm is going off. It’s 6;25am. Time to get kids up and ready for school. Getting them dressed in appropriate clothing can be a challenge that I am not prepared for in the mornings, so we started picking pout school clothes the night before. My oldest keeps trying to wear shorts. Apparently she still thinks it is summer and not November.
I get the 3 older ones off to school and if I am really lucky (which is rare) I can go back to bed for another hour, until the younger 2 wake up. Though normally, my youngest is out of bed as soon as my bedroom door opens. When he is up, my day really begins. You can’t take your eyes off of him for more than a minute. He causes more destruction that 3 kids put together. (I have 5 kids. 8 every weekend. I know what I ma talking about.)
In the time between me getting out of bed and going to the bathroom, he did this.

He looks proud of himself, doesn’t he?
Well, now it is a few minutes after 9. I’ve had some coffee and I’m feeling a little more awake. (Though going back to bed sounds amazing.) All those people who told me that having kids forces you to be a morning person, lied to me. I’m not a morning person. AT ALL. I’m still grumpy when I’ve had little sleep. Which is often, cause let’s face it, what fun would it be if I went to bed the same time as the kids?

But seriously, if mornings could be, like, around noon, that would be great.