I am who I am. I am 36 years old. I had my kids young. Some would say too young, but honestly, I don’t agree. I was ready to be a mom. It was who I was meant to be. Without my kids, I dont know who I am anymore. As cliche as it sounds, they complete me. They are my everything. I live for them. Without them, I don’t know what I am doing with my life. Maybe it isn’t such a good thing that so much of me is because of them. I don’t know. All I know is I would do anything for them. Which has taken me down the wrong path at times. Which has brought me to where I am now.
I’ve been told I am too nice. That I don’t act like a mom, I act like a friend. I will admit that on occasion, this is true. In the past, I have given in to my kids. Most of the time, it is things that are of no consequence, but I will admit that I have made some wrong choices when it comes to my kids. I made a very bad decision and it cost me my visitation with my older 3 kids. This is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Because I wanted to make them happy, I bought my daughter a vape. I know that was wrong. I can’t justify why I did it. I know I should’t have. If I could go back and undo it, I would. Because of this decision, I lost visitations. My ex hired a lawyer and filed to have my visits supervised by a professional supervisor. The problem is, I can’t afford to pay someone to supervise, therefore I haven’t seen my older 3 kids since April of last year. I feel lost. I’m going day by day, feeling as though something is missing from me. The only times I feel right are when I have my younger 2 kids with me.
I’m sure that whoever is reading this is thinking that I’m not a good mom for having done what I did. Maybe you are right. Maybe I deserve this. All I know is I would give anything to go back and change that. I should have told her no. I should have stood my ground. And no, I am not blaming her for this. Yes, she asked me for the vape, but I am the adult. I should have said no. Now, I have to live with this decision. I have to miss out on my kids growing up. I know they are already almost grown, but I don’t want to miss out on any time with them.
My next step is to get some money saved up so I can get a supervisor and see my kids. I am hoping to accomplish this soon. My oldest, Mackenzie, is almost 18. So she will be able to decide if she wants to see me, but Hailey and Theodore still have a few years. I can’t miss out on years. I’ve already missed almost a whole year as it is. I don’t want to miss anymore.
Mom of 5 